Why rainstorms calm me.

My earliest memories are all mostly bad.

I remember myself as a toddler, being watched at an in home daycare. Some black lady would watch us, she had a small playground in her backyard. I remember one time having to go the bathroom during naptime. She wouldnt let me and I had to stay and go in my diaper. I remember the rash being so painful afterwards and her yelling at me.

I remember getting my "last shots" from the doc, no idea how old. but old enough to run. I escaped the doctors office and took off. my mom found me at the car weeping.

i remember being at the dentist, around 6 years old. He was nice to my parents and he had a small "treasure chest" full of toys for the kids after he was done with them. Behind the closed doors when he worked on my teeth i would cry, he would tell me "shut up you little shit" ...its the first time I remember hearing that word.

I remember being around 12 years old. my older brother constantly bullied me. I was very sensitive and he being adopted, very mean. This time around he set something off in me I recognized for the first time as a panic attack. It was a sunday and my parents were at church at a meeting 2 miles down the road. I ran from him and left the house. It was freezing outside, the snow just melting a way the month prior. I ran all the way to the church in nothing but a bathrobe.

I remember being 13 years old..I'm walking to my friend Neil's house. He was my best friend. I saw him walking my way...with my older brother. Billy dared him to hit me with a tree branch. I was so sure he wouldn't. and he hit me..hard. They left me on the street catching my tears and I knew the word betrayal for the first time.

These are the earliest memories in my life, the ones that really stick with me.

but there's one more.

I'm around 14 or so. I road to a pond a few miles down the road where I would go fishing. A huge Thunderhead was forming, so I started to panic, dropped everything and headed home on my bike as fast as i could. About halfway home I realized I would not make it home in time, and the anxiety started to creep up on me.

I could feel it chilling my bones. The leaves rustled and the the wind really started blowing and it got DARK...
and as the first few drops hit me I was almost in a stupor...
but then something clicked in me...
Each drop of cold rain instead of enhancing the fear only seemed to ease it.

I knew this thunderstorm would hit me and it would be dangerous and I would get cold and wet and i did not care.

it was the first of only a select few RARE occasions that I really did not care about anything..the fear was washed away with the rain. As the rain started and I became soaked I laughed and screamed and I was filled with a profound joy.

This was the first time I really DID NOT GIVE A FUCK.

and on my deathbed whenever and wherever I may be, despite life's fears and despite my brain telling me everything is wrong and nothing is ok...I know that this memory will come upon me one more time and give me solace. This was gods gift to me to hold on to and tell me that everything is going to be ok...and the fear will someday go away.

You Don't Call Me a Faggot and Get Away With It.

Dear Bear,

I'm contacting Corey and clearly showing him our conversations over facebook and our phones so he knows how sleazy you are :)

You're fat. You know that.
So I'm gonna let you in on what ya don't know.

First off, let's get one thing straight, I'm NOT. I was being honest when I told you I was gay, it wasn't a lie that if I was straight I'd be making up in order to back out of having to say the fact that I didn't like you because you're fat, ugly, and retarded, even though if I was straight, that's what I would have said lol. It still makes me giggle to think that you honestly believed someone as good looking as me, actually liked you, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it'll be a story I'll be telling for the rest of my life lol, I've shown my friends and will keep showing my new friends how ugly you are on facebook, telling them the story, and showing our fb messages so they know just how much of a joke it was hahahaha. You're soo disgusting.

Now... why would I say I was bisexual, and then pretend to like you you ask? Well, it's quite simple, but so you understand me completely, I'll start from the very beginning.

Not long after Chuck and Suzanne moved in next door, and my brother and I started going over there to hang with the boys, Vinny and the rest of us started taking notice to the trampoline in your backyard, so one weekend he talked Devon and Rocky into knocking on your door. I didn't have any hope that the four eyed fat girl I had seen constantly lying on the trampoline all the time would ever agree to let us all jump on it, guess I was wrong lol. To this day, I still don't know how you discovered my full name, because I sure as fuck didn't tell you it or want you to know. Regardless, your creepy fat ass managed to find me on facebook. And then, you started messaging the shit out of me, practically forcing me into admitting to you that I was gay hahaha. I thought you were such a desperate retard, which you are, I mean you couldn't even take a hint that I wasn't even remotely interested in you after we played the 'guess who my crush is' game for a fucking hour and I still didn't get it right, wasn't it fucking obvious to you that I knew it was me, but I just didn't want to say it because I didn't fucking like you? lol. You are truly as dumb as your lame drunken excuse for a father. So after you asked me for my number and you started texting me, I began to truly feel bad for you. Beyond the fact that you were texting me every second of the day like a deranged ugly girl who needed attention, I quickly came to realize you were an extremely boring person with absolutely no life, no real friends, and barely even any fake friends haha, besides Gabe, Alyssa, and Heather, who all hate you now and see you for exactly what you are, a miserable cunt. Vinny told me way back that he told Alyssa how you made fun of the way she was walking haha, you're so fake and ugly it's pathetic, at least Alyssa has friends haha. I almost died of laughter when Vince told me how you fell flat on your fat face when you were pretending to walk like her HAHAHA, talk about instant karma you cunt.

So after I became your fake friend, I couldn't help but think about all of the ways I would use you for entertainment, like a circus animal, so I thought I'd invite you to my pool party and let all my friends get a good laugh. I already told everyone ahead of time that some annoying fat girl who resembled a donkey’s asshole might be coming, and that no one was allowed to laugh at you to your face because I didn't want the joke of the party to leave lol. When I asked you if you wanted to come, you said you would, but you wouldn't be swimming because you were going to have your period hahaha. You are the dumbest, and only pig faced bitch I've ever met lol. I've never associated with someone as ugly as you before in my entire life, not to mention repulsive. I knew you just came up with that bullshit excuse because you didn't want anyone to see your muffin top and thunder thighs strapped into a bathing suit lol. So after I learned you'd come to the party but weren't going to swim, I uninvited your fat ass instantly.

But anyway, up until this point I basically thought you were just an ugly loser with no self esteem, which is obvious to EVERYONE. However, I had yet to realize you were a miserable cunt, as well. So. The good person I am, I decided I would brighten up your dull, pointless little life, and say I was bisexual. I would pretend I was interested in you and your gender (whatever that may be) for a short time, knowing from the start I would use Vinny as an excuse to not be able to date you, his mentally ill ass actually did like you haha. It makes sense tho, someone would have to be disturbed and overweight, basically stink to the eye, to have a capacity of convincing themselves you’re their only option. Their mental state would have to be in free fall to overcome the unthinkable feat of looking at you without wanting to puke... Wait a minute, that description describes you perfectly! LMFAO, you need to be on more pills for your attention deficit you worthless pig.

So over that brief slip of time that I played you like a piano, it became clear to me that you were far more stupid, gullible, and damaged, than previously assessed, and I no longer pitied you. Not to mention you’re 10 times uglier up close, your face literally makes people wonder if Jabba the Hutt was drugged and raped by your ancestors. Pugh. I didn't want to deal with you anymore, you were wasting a lot of my time, and you weren't even going to be the clown at my party. You did absolutely nothing but completely drain my cellphone battery everyday, you were obsessed with me, it was starting to give me the heebie jeebies, so I had to come up with a way to get you to fuck off for good. I thought that good old lying by saying Vinny was my best friend and that I didn’t want to take the girl he liked would get you to beat it, but obviously that didn't work. You were too obsessed, and still are today. So I made up some story to tell you that branched off of something Gabe told me about you having a crush on some guy in a store, just so it sounded believable enough for your pigeon brain to believe. I called you a 'slut blah blah blah', and it worked remember?!? You left me alone after that. :D I was freee at last !!! I even got my friend Loretta to pretend that she was in a relationship with me on facebook and to tell you to leave me alone haha. And to tie up all the loose ends, I apologized to you when I saw that your sick psychotic ass had unblocked me, just so I didn't have to worry in the future about you stalking me because you still liked me, god you're so fucked up in that fat head of yours. I know I'm genetically blessed, but christ, never in my life have I encountered someone so obsessive, you are one sick bitch. You've got some deep seeded issues to bear there Bear, not to mention how ridiculously insecure you are haha, no wonder you are such a pathetic nobody and no one likes or wants to be seen with you lol. Get some therapy, pleasee. In another life, where you had some confidence and weren’t an ignorant sloth, your depressing, mindless personality might have stood a chance at miraculously making up for the fact that you look like you just got hit by a truck. Oh well.

Now, this brings us to the moment when you messaged me on facebook, out of nowhere, asking me if I wanted to start talking to you again hahahahahaha, after having done my fake apology to you and making amends, you fucking message me on facebook. Seriously? You have a boyfriend, and you’re still feeling the twitch to text me? In that moment I knew you were truly obsessed, still, after all those months. But I played it off, knowing that I would just make every excuse in the book not to hang out with you, yet still act is if I was willing to by offering to hang out and skype with you here and there, knowing it wouldn't work out by planning it all to conflict with your “boyfriend” hangout time, or by just bailing on you at the last minute and come up with some lame excuse that you’d believe lol, cuz you're retarded. Just when I was beginning to think you would really leave me alone, you fucking message me asking if I wanted to start talking again. Corey must be banging you a little too loose. You are fucking unhinged. What a sad fake relationship lol, I always thought it was, and that just confirmed it. So I decided to respond, knowing full well that even though you had a ‘boyfriend’, the chances of you coming on to me were still slim to fat. But I wasn’t too worried at this point, and I figured I could use you for some bonus info on Erin and Gabe, which I did :)

It was quite comical when you texted me pretending to be your boyfriend on your phone last night hahaha, you're such a pathetic loser Bearanna. It was so blatantly obvious that you were pretending to be him, it was cute to watch :) lmao, you twisted cunt. You so desperately wanted me to confess that I liked you through pretending you were him, it was just pathetic, at least it made me laugh lol. You should try getting a life, I mean you have a boyfriend, isn't he enough to get me off of your puny useless mind? Obviously not lol, but that's not my problem :D. You’re an outrageously ugly pig inside and out, a poster child for white trash, and you are beyond unfit to be a friend or a lover to anybody, and not just because of your looks. Yeah, you're fucked :]. You make your fellow degenerates of the shack you live in proud!!! Never contact me again you cow.

PS. Your sister Ashlie has the face of a rottweiler

(no subject)

Dear D-bag in my Spanish class,

Yes, the teacher did say Spanish, as a language, tends to favor guys. The whole class understood what she meant and there was *really* no need for you to say "As it should." Yeah, people laughed, more out of shock that you actually said that than anything and if you'd left it at that? I wouldn't be writing this. However, you took it into your head to do them at least once a class and that? That's not okay.

Point in fact, other people have tried to subtly get you to knock it off. Sure, it is subtle but "Hey, man, we're out numbered here, don't say that!" is still "Don't say that", and one of your friends has actually point blank said "Hey, I laughed because I want people to know you're joking but it's really not cool to say that."

On a personal level, I'm honestly starting to think you believe the shit you're saying and you're just looking for validation by making those jokes. So knock it the fuck off,


Dear Ch,

We don't really talk, but thanks for telling S to knock it off. It really is appreciated.



Dude, get on top of doing your assignments. I know that game is pretty distracting, but it's not worth getting bad grades to play it.

vater orlaag

(no subject)

Dear [friend],

I can't believe you faulted me for not wanting to play teacher in a romantic relationship. Thanks to that, I am now too guilt-stricken to leave a relationship I am unhappy with, because I feel like a horrible person for BEING unhappy.

I love you, but JFC.

(no subject)

Dear cousin,

Sending a suicide not because, and I quote, 'I was angry and wanted to hurt people' is not okay. I'm sorry you're having a rough day - but that does *not* excuse what you did.

Please, grow up and learn to control your fucking temper,

Dear other people my cousin sent the e-mail to,

Please stop hitting reply all. I'm glad that you're happy my cousin isn't committing suicide. However, I *really* don't want to see each of you's entire conversation with him in my inbox.

Epic Fail

(no subject)

Dear C,

I am so sick of this shit, and frankly you're a horrible friend - or maybe I should say "friend". You're only around when it's convenient for you, you only talk about what *you* want to talk about, and what I want usually gets dismissed or ignored. That's not okay, nor is that really a friendship. Rather, it's a one sided friendship.

Well guess what? You're going to get what you give. You can't ever seem to make time for me - or 'squeeze me in' for about 5 minutes? That's what you're going to get. I'm not going to make many plans with you, and when I do I'll make sure to have a back up plan. Chances are most of conversations will end up with me going 'Hey, it's been lovely but I need to run.' I might even feel bad about it if it weren't for the fact it already happens.

It's not that I'm entirely against being friends - but I'm also not about to keep pulling this on my own. If it wakes you up and gets you to start caring about the friendship again? Awesome, I'll start putting more effort in. If it means we drift apart?'ll suck, considering how close we were - but I won't fight it. I've tried talking to you about it, I really have. Your response was to act hurt and offended that I'd even dare to think such a thing.

So, that's it. That's the best your getting from me until you start giving again.

Rose cup

(no subject)

Dear P,

That's it. I'm done.

I know you say you miss me. You say you want me around, and that you want to hang out. Then you pull shit like this.

Sorry, M'dear. Actions speak far louder than words, and your's? Practically screaming you want nothing to do with me despite you saying otherwise. So, if you'll excuse me, I'll be taking my leave now.

Have a nice life,

(no subject)

Dear H,

Just a pro-tip. If you 'don't want to do something that will upset' me? Then stop doing the same. Damn. Thing. On a regular basis after seeing that it upsets me every single time. Maybe it's just me, but this is one of those times where actions speak louder than words and repeating this? It's practically screaming 'I don't care about your feelings'.

Also, just another piece of advice: I have one foot out the door on this friendship. If you keep this up I *will* end it.

Just a couple of thoughts.

No love,

Dear English Prof,

The classroom is not your platform to rant about politics. Particularly not political issues that it is painfully obvious you don't understand. Just because you say 'lol! I don't *really* believe that! I was just using it to -insert weak link to a lesson we learned over a month ago-' doesn't magically make anything you say 'ok' or prevent it from being hurtful - or even, in a couple of cases, promoting bad stereotypes of minority groups. Maybe you really don't believe it, though I doubt it, but even if you don't there are people who *do* or people whose lives have been impacted by someone who does believe those things.

You claim to be trying to make a safe learning environment? Great. But please at least try to do it without alienating the people who need a safe space most of all.

Screw you,

Dear A,

I know we're project partners, and I'm aware of what we need to do. However, trying to pressure me into agreeing to something I've already said I can't do? Messed up. If I said I can't do something on that specific day, I can't do it. Trying to get me to say otherwise will *not* happen.

No love,

P.S. Please stop relating everything to your children. Really, I promise the world won't explode if you don't relate something to them.

Dear life,

Thank you for deciding to crumble tonight. A big 'Fuck you' to you too.

Screw off,
Shiemi - Eh?

(no subject)

Hey, asshat.

I am, in fact, part of the committee for our group; I am the official club secretary, in fact.

If I post a friendly reminder on the club's facebook group to say hey, there's still some stuff I need off some of you guys, come see me next time we meet up, don't get fucking arsey with me because you're one of the people I need this shit off and you already know that. Don't snidely reply with "have some patience". Do not, for fuck's sake, call me "hon" as part of your condescending reply. You are not the only person I still need stuff off. The reminder is not aimed solely at you.

I just want to get this information sorted and done, and posting reminders for the people who may have forgotten, or haven't been paying attention, or generally weren't there 2 weeks ago when I asked for this stuff, is part of the job. Because knowing some of our club members, otherwise I'd be waiting for years. Decades, maybe.

Grow up. It's not all about you.


Mild Annoyance.

Dear Patrick

Dear Patrick,

I hate you. You are a liar, a cheater, and most of all- a coward. From the day we met, you made me believe that you cared and that I mattered. I gave you every bit of my heart and soul. I shared everything I am with you, I let you in to my heart. I was involved with your family, your friends and took a part in your interests regularly. I never judged who you were or where you came from, every story you shared or moment of weakness you may have felt- I tried my hardest to help and take some of that pain off of you. There is nothing more I could have done, I am not the problem. You are the asshole who with your bare white hands, ripped out my heart and stomped on it. Then shoved it in a wood-chipper and watched as it shred to pieces. Next when I thought you were done- ANOTHER jab at my heart. You gathered up what was left of the pieces and buried them… you abandoned me. You left when I needed you. You left when I needed my best friend, my lover and my boyfriend. I still cannot believe all of the hell you put me through that you will probably never know about.

It has been over 2 months and I still have not heard your voice since you sat on my couch that night crying, telling me that you loved me more than any woman and how wonderful I was. But then you kissed my dog- yes MY DOG- and hugged me tightly as I felt your tears fall onto my head while you were sobbing. You told me that you loved me and would see me soon and left.

I replay over and over and OVER in my head that last week of our relationship. The only feeling I have when I think about it is disgust. You and your family meant the world to me-especially your sweet grandma, may she rest in peace. I remember vividly every second from the time you told me that she had passed to the day we laid her to rest. It is a shame you did not get her good heart, but I am so glad that she is not here to see the coward you really are. She would be so disappointed- I know I am.

To think that the man I was madly in love with had me replaced before he even broke up with me is absurd. You really are an asshole. You are a piece of shit, good for nothing, two timing man who will in time get to feel the repercussions of your actions and pain you have caused me. I do not need to wish you to hell – honey, you have RSVP’d yourself to the list. I am sure I am not the first, nor the last that you have done this too. But thank you for letting me off easy and taking yourself completely out of my life and allowing me to focus on what really matters- my success and happiness. I did not know how lost I really was until I was left high and dry with nothing and no one.

I am a firm believer in karma and yours is coming.

As for my replacement- well she can keep you. She can learn the hard way that YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE. This will happen to her just as you both did this to me. I believe that the best revenge you can give to woman who takes your man- is to simply let her keep him.

I am the lucky one. You let me free. You helped me rebuild my walls and rethink my actions and

There will come a day that you will realize that you let go of the best thing that ever happened to you. You will be sad and hurt. You will wonder where I am and what I am doing, who I am with and do I still love you. And on that day- the sun will shine a little brighter on me. I will walk with a new found confidence, a new happiness. I will, on that day, realize that I do not remember the sound of your voice, the warmth of your touch or the way you once made me feel- and I will not miss a thing.

That day will be a great day- and it is coming soon.