|Why rainstorms calm me.
||[Dec. 2nd, 2014|02:10 pm]
Our Letters to the World
My earliest memories are all mostly bad.|
I remember myself as a toddler, being watched at an in home daycare. Some black lady would watch us, she had a small playground in her backyard. I remember one time having to go the bathroom during naptime. She wouldnt let me and I had to stay and go in my diaper. I remember the rash being so painful afterwards and her yelling at me.
I remember getting my "last shots" from the doc, no idea how old. but old enough to run. I escaped the doctors office and took off. my mom found me at the car weeping.
i remember being at the dentist, around 6 years old. He was nice to my parents and he had a small "treasure chest" full of toys for the kids after he was done with them. Behind the closed doors when he worked on my teeth i would cry, he would tell me "shut up you little shit" ...its the first time I remember hearing that word.
I remember being around 12 years old. my older brother constantly bullied me. I was very sensitive and he being adopted, very mean. This time around he set something off in me I recognized for the first time as a panic attack. It was a sunday and my parents were at church at a meeting 2 miles down the road. I ran from him and left the house. It was freezing outside, the snow just melting a way the month prior. I ran all the way to the church in nothing but a bathrobe.
I remember being 13 years old..I'm walking to my friend Neil's house. He was my best friend. I saw him walking my way...with my older brother. Billy dared him to hit me with a tree branch. I was so sure he wouldn't. and he hit me..hard. They left me on the street catching my breath..in tears and I knew the word betrayal for the first time.
These are the earliest memories in my life, the ones that really stick with me.
but there's one more.
I'm around 14 or so. I road to a pond a few miles down the road where I would go fishing. A huge Thunderhead was forming, so I started to panic, dropped everything and headed home on my bike as fast as i could. About halfway home I realized I would not make it home in time, and the anxiety started to creep up on me.
I could feel it chilling my bones. The leaves rustled and the the wind really started blowing and it got DARK...
and as the first few drops hit me I was almost in a stupor...
but then something clicked in me...
Each drop of cold rain instead of enhancing the fear only seemed to ease it.
I knew this thunderstorm would hit me and it would be dangerous and I would get cold and wet and i did not care.
it was the first of only a select few RARE occasions that I really did not care about anything..the fear was washed away with the rain. As the rain started and I became soaked I laughed and screamed and I was filled with a profound joy.
This was the first time I really DID NOT GIVE A FUCK.
and on my deathbed whenever and wherever I may be, despite life's fears and despite my brain telling me everything is wrong and nothing is ok...I know that this memory will come upon me one more time and give me solace. This was gods gift to me to hold on to and tell me that everything is going to be ok...and the fear will someday go away.